grasping at straws

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing life all wrong. My relationship with God, my marriage, being a mom, my housework, my job...even the small things...like remembering to brush my teeth, or take out my contacts. There are days where all day I feel this way, then there are just pieces of days that feel like this. Last night was one.

My boy hasn't been a good sleeper. I think that it has a lot to do with a lot of things. I think that I have messed him up, but I also think that he just doesn't want to sleep. Especially in a different room than all the action. Sometimes I put him down when he's drowsy and he'll cry a little then go to sleep. Othertimes, when I have missed him all day, I'll hold him till he falls asleep then lay him down. Either option he'll sleep until 1 am-ish. Now because he is still in the same room as us, this is where things get tricky. I really don't want to disturb A's sleep. So I get up almost right away and try to soothe him without picking him up. Put his binky in, rub his back, adjust blankies, etc. Usually nothing works, so I'll pick him up and soothe him, then lay him back down. He sleeps for a few minutes, then wakes up again. Still not wanting to disturb A, I pick him up again. Little do I know, A has been awake the whole time. So my last ditch effort for all of us to get some sleep is for my boy to come to bed with us. He calms right down, and I get to go back to sleep. About a half hour later, A can't take it anymore, kisses us and goes into the guest room. I hate it.

I miss sleeping in the same room...same bed as my husband. I NEVER planned on being a cosleeper. It scared me. And as much as I love to snuggle with my babe, I am ready to have my bed back again. And my husband.

So last night, I decided it was time. He has been fighting sleep for the past couple of nights, so I said, "Say good night to Daddy, were going to bed." A kissed his little head and off we went.

I layed him down, gave him his binky, and sat on the floor. Thus proceeded some of the worst 20 minutes of my life. I let him cry. When he got too mad, I rubbed his back for a minute or two, put his binky in and sat back down. When he finally drifted off, I came back out to the living room and cried on A's shoulder. I've read the books. I've scoured the internet. I've talked to Dr's. and friends, and strangers. I'm still grasping at straws. I just don't know how to fix this.

When 1 am rolled around guess who woke up. A and I had already discussed this and decided that if he did wake up...which I wasn't sure if he would since he was exhausted...then I would put his binky in and let him cry. So after a few minutes, A kissed me and went to the guest room. I followed him to the bathroom and we stood there for a minute and listened. His cry was very quiet and it sounded like he was done. A still went to sleep in the guest room, but made me promise to come get him if I needed him.

I went back to bed and laid there. A couple minutes later he woke up and started crying. This time it was an hour of crying. Not screaming mind you, but babbling, whimpering, crying. Maybe worse than screaming. I got up once and put his binky in when he was at a low, and he stopped for a few minutes. That didn't last long, but eventually he fell asleep.

It was a really long night. Especially when he woke up at 5:30.

We decided that we would get his crib in the other room tonight. If we were going to get him to sleep through the night, it should be in his own room. So after I got home from work, we set about switching things around.

Then later...Dinner, play, bath, play, bottle. I was holding him and he was wide awake...no signs of sleeping. A and I were watching the gag reel on FRIENDS. I look down one minute eyes wide open, looking at his hands...next minute, eyes shut. CRAP. When I stood up, he opened his eyes, but then closed them as I started walking to his room. So I just laid him down, put binky in, and he hasn't moved yet. We'll see how this works tonight.

A and I went in and checked on him. We just stood there looking at him. I cried. It's been 6 months and I've had him close to me for all of those nights. I know this is good for us. I know it is. It's just a hard change. My boy is getting big right before my eyes. Oh yeah...and we can feel a tooth. It will most likely be here by morning.

Pray for us as we try to help our boy make this adjustment. Pray for a working mama, who might not be getting as much sleep as she needs. Pray for a Daddy who is doing such a wonderful job at supporting his crazy wife as she grasps at straws.